


nuptialem

by markmins



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Making Out, One Shot, i hate myself btw, idk just read lol, its not unrequited love but
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-17
Updated: 2018-11-17
Packaged: 2019-08-24 10:30:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16638236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markmins/pseuds/markmins
Summary: "I can't say it, not now. But you know, don't you?""I know. I know.”





	nuptialem

**Author's Note:**

> not beta'd :<

Donghyuck is sitting on a red and beaten up sofa, arms awkwardly clasped together on his lap while he watches his best friend fix his bow tie for the fifth time in the past ten minutes. He looks beautiful, like always, and Donghyuck almost tells him. He doesn’t though, he knows it’ll make things complicated, maybe even uncomfortable, and he knows his best friend already knows how he feels.

 

After watching his best friend fumble around, fixing his suit a million times, pushing stray strands of hair away from his face, he finds himself standing up and moving towards him, hands grabbing his and pushing them down to his sides. He ignores the way his heart feels when his skin touches his best friend, ignores the urge to keep his hands against his. “The more you keep staring at yourself the more flaws you’re gonna find dumbass,” he laughs quietly, deciding to fix the bow tie himself.

 

His best friend laughs but it sounds dry, like he’s too caught up thinking about other shit to actually find anything funny. It gets quiet, which normally wouldn’t be a problem but today was different and Donghyuck felt like the quietness was making it hard to breathe. He looks up discreetly only to find his best friend already staring at him and he can’t help but to hold his breath as he stares back into his eyes. His best friends big brown eyes. Eyes he always dreamt about, eyes he swore you could see stars in. “Stop laughing at me I’m serious, your eyes look so bright. It’s kinda beautiful,” he said the first time. Even though his best friend only laughed he could see the way his cheeks turned pink as he answered “only kinda?” Eyes he would think about when he was awake, when he was eating, when he was in bed watching the tv even though whatever was playing was the last thing on his mind.

 

There were almost 500 people outside the room they were in, waiting for Donghyuck’s best friend. Waiting to see him, waiting to support him on one of the biggest moments in his life. Donghyuck couldn’t hear anything though, not over the sound of his heart beating, over the sound of what felt like dirt falling down his chest and into his lungs, over the hurt he felt.

 

His best friend quickly looks away, but Donghyuck wasn’t surprised, he had never been good at emotional intimacy no matter who the person. He looks into the mirror one more time before walking towards the coach Donghyuck had just been sitting on a few moments prior.

 

Looking at his best friend he saw the way his leg was shaking, how his teeth kept tugging on the side of his lip, how his hand kept going to his head to run his fingers through his hair like he usually did before stopping when he remembered the good 30 minutes it took to get it to where it was now. He looks so good and it makes Donghyuck’s chest hurt.

 

“You look nervous.” Donghyuck says, breaking the silence. He was still standing by the mirror, eyes not leaving his best friend who looks up immediately when he hears Donghyuck’s voice. He smiles and even though it’s forced Donghyuck is happy to see it.

 

“You think? I'm scared shitless.” His best friend sighs out loud and it’s so quiet Donghyuck doesn’t think he would have noticed it if all his attention wasn’t on the boy in front of him, looking scared and distressed.

 

Donghyuck bites his lip, he doesn’t know how to word what he wants to say. Especially since it’s coming from  _him_  of all people.

 

“Shouldn’t this be the happiest day of your life? You...” he pauses before deciding  _fuck it_. He didn’t care if his best friend got upset, he didn’t want to end the day with doubts, with regrets, he needed to have this conversation or he was sure it would tear him apart forever. “You don’t look very happy to me.”

 

His best friend doesn’t answer, instead he puts his head in his hands and stays there for a while until Donghyuck starts to think he wasn't going to get an answer, he shouldn’t have asked. He walks over to his best friend moving to sit down next to him. It isn’t until his best friend feels him sit down that he finally speaks up.

 

“I am happy, why wouldn’t I be." It’s not a question so Donghyuck stays shut, "I'm just nervous Donghyuck. It’s normal to be nervous.” Donghyuck doesn’t know if he’s just imagining things when he notices it sounds more like his best friend is trying to convince himself than anyone else. He doesn’t miss the anger in his voice, it wasn’t like he tried to hide it at all. It makes him flinch back. He wasn’t scared of him, he just never handled being yelled at well.

 

“If you say so...” he replies hoping the doubt in his voice isn’t too obvious.

 

“I love her Donghyuck.”

 

“If you say so.”

 

This time his best friend didn’t think about his appearance, or maybe he just didn’t care anymore. He ran his fingers through his hair obviously upset at Donghyuck’s lack of understanding. Donghyuck couldn’t find it in him to care too much. He had seen his best friend happier, happier with other people, happier with  _him_.

 

Taking a deep breath, Donghyuck fights himself, wondering if he should stay shut. But he can’t, and he won’t. “I just think there’s people out there better for you. People who could make you happier,” at this point his hands are shaking and he doesn’t think he’s ever been so nervous talking to his best friend in his life.

 

“Stop.” It’s supposed to sound like a demand he assumes, but it sounds weak. His best friend won’t even look at him, instead staring at himself in the mirror again. Donghyuck wonders if he notices how sad he looks.

 

“Why?”

 

“You know why. Let me be happy Donghyuck.”

 

“But you’re not happy!”

 

“And you think I’ll be happier with you? That’s what you’re implying right? You know I can’t be with you Donghyuck, you _know_ it, and especially not now. I'm getting married today. In a few hours I’m going to be married, I’ll have a _wife_. A wife I love. That’s not changing.”

 

Donghyuck couldn’t help but laugh. _You know I can’t be with you Donghyuck_. He had heard those words so many times before it felt like déjà vu to him.

 

He heard them when they were in bed, the lights off, his best friends hands pulling on his hair, his mouth on his neck kissing down to his collarbones, down to his collarbones, down to his stomach, down to his thighs.

 

He heard them when they were in the bathroom of a party, his fiancée standing a few yards outside the door, talking to his friends, talking to her friends. One hand up Donghyuck’s shirt, mouth on his neck coaxing noises out of his mouth, while the other hand was gripping his thigh, thumb rubbing circles into it making Donghyuck feel safe, wanted.

 

He heard them when they were in the middle of a big fight, his best friend throwing shit on the floor, never ever at him, and Donghyuck yelling back. Donghyuck telling his best friend that he deserved better, that  _he_  was better for him. Telling him that the one thing that could make him happy was  _him_. Telling him that he himself wanted _more_ from his best friend.

 

He heard the words “you know I can’t be with you Donghyuck” so many times it would play in a loop in his head constantly. He woke up thinking of them, he would hear them in the shower, he would hear them in his dreams, he would feel them in his heart. Hearing those words hurt more than anything had ever hurt him before, yet he kept going back to his best friend. Let himself believe that one day they could have more, that one day his best friend would open his eyes and see that he could be happy with Donghyuck

 

Donghyuck stays silent. He doesn’t trust himself to say anything, so instead he does what he knows best.

 

He shifts to the side a little, making his body face his best friends. He slowly moves his arm towards his thigh before laying it down and moving it up. Up a little more. Up a little mo- until his best friends hand was on his, intending to stop him. But Donghyuck saw the look in his eyes, and he saw the way his best friends eyes shifted down to his lips.

 

That was all the Donghyuck needed before he lunged forward and put his lips against his.

 

And of course, his best friend kissed back.

 

It was like all the previous kisses they had shared. It was desperate, passionate, hot, as if they had been waiting to kiss each other for years. As if this wasn't a weekly reoccurrence that happened between the two.

 

He was still hungry, so hungry. His hands went up to his best friends hair and he pulled it hard, just the way he knew he liked it, the way he knew she never did for him. He bit down on his best friends lip until a whine spilled out of his lips, just the way he knew he liked it, the way she never did for him. He leaned forward until no part of his body wasn’t touching his best friends, but it still didn’t feel like enough. He moves back and his best friend whines again, but he quickly shut up when he sees Donghyuck is just moving to sit on his lap, straddling his best friends hips. His best friend’s the one to initiate the kiss this time and he’s obviously desperate for it. Donghyuck ignores the little voice in his mind that tells him to say _does she make you get like this? Am I the only one who can make you feel the way you feel right now?_ His thoughts are interrupted when he feels his best friend suck on his tongue, something he _knew_ made Donghyuck weak in the knees and he can’t help the moan that pours into his best friends mouth.

 

His best friend pulls away this time and immediately latches his lips onto Donghyuck’s neck. He bites down hard on it, and Donghyuck knows he’s taking out his frustration on him, but he didn’t care. He loved it and he knew his best friend knew he loved it. His best friend kept biting down on his neck, never sucking on it, _probably doesn’t want to leave any marks._

 

Donghyuck is so so so hungry and he wants more than he was getting, more than he knows deep down inside he’ll ever get.

 

He wants his best friend completely. 

 

He wants his love, and he knows he has it.

 

But he doesn’t have him.

 

There’s a loud knock on the door and his best friend pulls away, pushing Donghyuck off of him before his eyes are even open. He pretends it doesn’t hurt. “You have to be in the hall in 20 minutes minimum! Don’t worry about how you look too much you look great,” a voice calls out, and Donghyuck finds it funny that no one has any clue what was happening inside this room.

 

“Yeah of course, I’ll be down in a few,” his best friend calls back, and Donghyuck notices his eyes are still glazed over. When he turns back towards Donghyuck he noticed he’s obviously upset, but not angry.

 

He was disappointed.

 

“Donghyuck...”

 

“Yeah we can't. I know.”

 

There was silence for a few seconds, but it felt like hours. Donghyuck felt like there was a crushing weight on his chest, pushing down harder every second that passed.

 

“One last time won’t hurt will it?”

 

Donghyuck looks up and _there it was._ It was moments like this when Donghyuck knew the love was mutual. He knew he wasn’t crazy when his best friend looked at him the way he was looking at him now. There’s love, admiration, and want in his eyes. He looked at him in a way he never looked at his fiancé.

 

It made him feel so good.

 

But why wasn’t he good enough?

 

Donghyuck nods and leans in, but it was different. It’s not like their previous kiss, not like any of the kisses they had shared before. It’s soft. It’s pure, no fire, no desperate hunger, just their lips pressed against each other’s softly. It’s more of them breathing into each other’s mouths than a kiss, and Donghyuck feels content, but he wants more so he presses deeper into the kiss. In the quiet room with no interruptions Donghyuck hopes his best friend can’t hear how fast his heart is beating, and he hopes his best friends heart feels the same way. Somehow this kiss feels more intimate than any other kiss they had shared. 

 

It was a goodbye kiss.

 

Donghyuck pulls away first, it hurt him too much. He doesn’t want a goodbye. He wants a promise, a promise that his best friend would be his forever. But he wasn’t, he was never his, and he never will be.

 

“Mark." Donghyuck sighs again. He was tired of everything. He moves back to the other side of the couch; the closeness made him want to kiss his best friend again, and the more kisses they share the more it would hurt to see him walk down the aisle. Donghyuck’s eyes never left his best friend, but it seemed like he would rather have his eyes anywhere but him.

 

His best friend finally turns towards Donghyuck, and he feels that pang in his chest again.  _He’s so handsome_. “You’ll find someone better. I know you will.”

 

Donghyuck tries not to let his hurt overwhelm him. He knows Mark intended to comfort him, sweet, good old Mark who wants nothing but for Donghyuck to be happy. He doesn’t want him to know that he felt worse.

 

“But I can’t find anyone better than you.”

 

It was quiet again, the rug on the floor suddenly captivating both boys attention and Donghyuck finds himself growing annoyed at the sound of his own breathing. His thoughts seemed to be suffocating him again and he wants nothing more than to kiss his best friend again, wants to be able to kiss the person he had been in love with for as long as he could remember whenever he wanted, for as long as he wanted.

 

Mark’s the one to break the silence and after hearing his words Donghyuck immediately finds himself wishing they could go back a minute.

 

“We should go. The wedding’s starting soon," his best friend stands up going towards the mirror fixing his hair one last time,  _the hair Donghyuck had ruined when he pulled on it while kissing him._ He fixes his suit,  _the suit Donghyuck had ruined when he grabbed it while kissing him._

 

Donghyuck pretends he doesn’t see the tears welling up in his best friends eyes.

 

Donghyuck pretends he doesn’t feel his own wet cheeks. 

 

 

☾

 

 

Donghyuck watches as his best friends fiancée walks down the aisle. She looks beautiful, she _is_ beautiful, her long dress falling behind her, her veil falling over face but still not hiding her smile as she looked up at Mark, at  _his Mark_. 

 

He watches the way Mark looked at her.

 

He seems happy. He looks happy to everyone except Donghyuck, Donghyuck knows. He pushes away the thoughts of his best friends teary eyes and the thoughts of how his lips felt against his neck.

 

It isn’t until he sees them kiss that he feels it, feels as if his heart had just been cracked into a million pieces.

 

He doesn’t remember giving his speech as the best man, not when all he could think about was how he would never have Mark again.

 

He watches them cut the cake, watches his best friend feed his now wife with a spoon, watches the way his eyes flicker to his for a split second looking away before Donghyuck can figure out if it actually happened.

 

A slow song starts playing an hour into the reception and Donghyuck sees his best friend walking up to him. He sits down in front of him and leans into his ear, he ignores the way his breath stops for a second at the closeness. "Come with me? I want to dance with you one more time," and even though Donghyuck feels like breaking down, he wants nothing more than to hold his best friend again, so he nods, standing up and getting ready to follow him.

 

They sneak off into an empty hallway not too far from the reception, the music playing so low he can barely hear the beat of the song, but the song is the last thing on his mind.

 

His best friends hands sit on his waist, like they had many times before, and his arms go around his best friends neck. They're so close and Donghyuck can see every beautiful thing about Mark, every flaw that makes him him, everything that made him fall in love in the first place. They move to the beat and Donghyuck wishes he could stay like this forever, his head falling forward to rest against his best friends shoulder, his nose tucked into his neck. He leaves a small kiss and feels his best friend tense up. He had never tensed up before.

 

"I'm married Hyuckie..."

 

Donghyuck moves his head away from his best friends neck and smiles sadly, choosing to nod instead of answering. He’s scared that he'll cry if he tries to speak. 

 

The song comes to an end too quickly and Donghyuck feels the emptiness the second his best friends hands leave his waist. He already feels cold, alone, sad. His best friend gives him a smile, standing awkwardly in front of him and opens his mouth.

 

"I can't say it. I can’t say the words, not now. But you know, don't you?"

 

Donghyuck gulps knowing exactly what he means. "I know Mark. I know,” he takes another deep breath. He doesn’t know why it’s so difficult for him to admit this, maybe because he’s never said the words out loud before, but he knows he has to. Mark has to know he feels the same. “I do too.”

 

Mark lets out a breath, obviously relieved, and Donghyuck can’t help but laugh. He laughs at how twisted everything about their situation is, but Mark doesn’t see because his back is already turned, legs leading him back to the reception hall where his new wife is, leaving Donghyuck alone again.

 

Donghyuck doesn't go back until 20 minutes before the wedding ends.

 

He watches them leave the hall holding hands, knowing where they’re going, knowing what they’re going to do, knowing that she’ll be kissing him like he used to. Knowing she won’t make him as happy as he could.

 

Donghyuck goes to sleep that night hugging his pillow wishing it was his best friend. Thinking of the last kiss they shared and wishing he had never met Mark at all.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you guys enjoyed!!! sorry lolz  
> if you have any feedback pls let me know! i'd appreciate it (be nice pls)  
> thank you for reading mwah :*
> 
> the title is wedding in latin btw!


End file.
